Ask me what size shirt I wear...go on...do it!

I know, I know, it’s been a little bit since my last blog post and ya’ll have been just dying for a new one. I understand, and I have not been avoiding you, well, maybe a little, but not entirely. Anyhoo… it has been 2 months since my lap band surgery. I have lost roughly 47 pounds. My damn pants won’t stay up without serious assistance and I was able to buy an XL t-shirt at my Alma Mater gift shop! You read that right XL!!! I honestly do not know when the last time was that I was able to purchase and then actually wear and XL t-shirt. I am positive it was before having babies, but just how long before…I couldn’t tell you. I have wistfully bought a few here and there, but have never felt comfortable wearing them. The exciting part about the whole purchase was that I bought a 2XL hoping that it wouldn’t be too tight and then ended up having to go back and exchange it because it was too big! TOO BIG! A 2XL! Whose life is this?

The weight loss process is an interesting one. As I said, I have lost roughly 47 pounds, which is like, my 7 year old. That is no small feat. Well, he is a small 7 year old, but that’s not really the point. The point is 47 pounds is a hefty amount of weight to loose (get it, hefty…because I’m hefty…it’s o.k. to laugh, I’m laughing). There are moments like when I had to exchange my 2XL for an XL shirt that I am struck but how cool it is that I have lost so much. There are other moments when I am still experiencing fat girl problems that I have frustration that I haven’t lost even more. To be clear, I know that 47 pounds in 3 months is ri-damn-diculous.  I really do. But then I do things like go to a college reunion and see friends that I haven’t seen in years, friends that have not seen me this fat and I am still self conscious. By the time I graduated college I wasn’t exactly skinny, but I was not the overly voluptuous creature that I am today. And it’s not like anyone walked up to me and said “HOLY SHIT YOU’VE PUT A LOAD ON!” In fact, many of them have read at least one blog or facebook post about the surgery and know that I am working on my girth. But, still, I knew. There was a part of me that was excited by how everything fits differently than it has in the recent past. But there was another part of me, the anxious, self-conscious voice in my brain that continued to remind me that even though I have lost a lot of weight, I’m still really fat. I hate that voice, she sucks. 

Part of the problem with that voice is that I have allowed her more control than I should. And by “have allowed her” I mean since about puberty she has been there, in my head doing all she can to make me feel like shit about myself. That bitch. Part of what has given her even more power recently is that I had to stop working out for a while. My knee started bugging me but I kept going, couch to 5K, strength training, walking…all of it. Then it started bothering me, but I pushed on in spite of The Pastor’s (husband’s) pleas for me to take a break. Then it started hurting like hell, that’s when I stopped mid-run and made a doctor’s appointment. The doctor told me in no uncertain terms to stop leg exercises for “awhile” and that perhaps running wasn’t a good idea, like, ever. This was extremely disheartening to hear, I love running, always have, and was excited to get started again. But she delicately (sort of) suggested that a person of my size could do more harm that good by putting so much force on my knees. And that perhaps an old injury (like maybe the time I jumped from a 4 ft high fence at Camp Cho-Yeah and hit the ground hard) was resurfacing making things even worse. She told me that walking is best for now, and maybe for always, but not until it starts to feel better. That was hard to take in, here I am trying to be healthier, do all of the things that people on pamphlets and in commercials do and the doctor is all “UM…..NO” Well, really my knee is all “um…no”. But the doctor said it out loud.

Having that set back has not been great for me, and for a while it has given that bitch in my head a lot to work with. But I went back to the gym today, I took it slow, which was hard for me, but I did not push myself back into the routine I had built up to. It feels a little bit like starting over again…again, but it felt good to be back in action.

So, for now, I will go slow and not run. But I will build my strength beyond where it has ever been and hopefully someday I will be able to run a 5k like I have always wanted to do.

Until next time…

Me in the shirt! I'm the not pregnant one. The pregnant one is Heidi my bff from way back.

Thinking and Overthinking...I guess it's better than overeating

I have never been a “glass is half full” type of person ( here is where those of you who know me well are saying…”Um…yeah…and?”) But I’m not really a “glass is half empty” person either. I’m more of a “Lets drink it all and see what happens…Oh shit I just dropped the glass” kind of person. I don’t tend to see things in a happy or sad, good or bad, black or white kind of way. I seem to always look for the good in the bad and the bad in the good. There is always something funny to be found in sadness and you can bet that there is a bit of tragedy in laughter. In short, I go where life takes me and I bitch the whole way while laughing my ass off. That’s me you know…human. So when I make a big decision, like say, moving my family from Houston (home) to New Jersey (totally unfamiliar) or from New Jersey (home-ish) to Missouri (WHAT!?) I give it A LOT of thought until I can’t take it anymore and then I just stop. And wait. To see what’s going to happen next. Making the decision to get Lap Band wasn’t much different. As I have mentioned in other posts I did my research, I did my thinking, and I did my praying. Then I just stopped. And did. Which has lead me toward an interesting path, as major life changes tend to do.

Just before and just after surgery I was very focused on when I would be able to chew food again, and then it became about what food I could and could not, or rather should and should not eat. That is a hard stage, and though I am starting to learn my limitations and trying to stay within them I still have those days. What does not make it easy is the fact that we have entered my favorite mash-up of seasons. I love fall and all it brings leading right into the Advent season (as my husband The Pastor calls it) or the holiday season (as it is known to the rest of us). It is also birthday/anniversary season in our house. We have September, October, and November kid birthdays and a December anniversary. So, although this is a very expensive time of year I still love it so very much. In the past (and by that I mean for my whole life until now) I have especially loved the food that this season brings. Back to back birthday cakes and special dinners, Thanksgiving, Christmas baking, and, yes, I will admit that I LOVE Pumpkin Spiced Lattes. With all of this in mind let’s think back to my first paragraph…I thought the surgery through and then I had to shut it out or I probably never would have gone through with it. I knew that I would miss out on all of the delicious holiday coffee and Chinese birthday meals but I plowed through anyway. And because of that somedays are a struggle.

It’s not all about food either. 

Throughout my life I have enjoyed exercise, it has often been something of an escape for me. I was excited to get started again after my surgery but did not fully appreciate the lengths that my fat ass would have to go through to be able to say run 1 min walk 2 with the C25K app.  You know how people say that there is a “good kind of pain”? I get that, I really enjoy the knowledge that I am working towards something and trying to make a difference for myself. On the other hand OW! It hurts, it all hurts, my toenails HURT. What in the absolute hell!?!

So where am I going with all of this you may ask, well, as you might have noticed from my opening I’m feeling a little philosophical today. I recently read a book called 100 Days by Nichole McInnes. It is a great book written for young adults. The premise is that a teenage girl has 100 days to live but doesn’t know it. I then read a new novel by Eva Woods called Something Like Happy. This book was also about a person with 100 days to live, except this woman knew it and lived into that reality. I enjoyed reading Something Like Happy. But, after reading the author’s notes in the back of the book I had a whole new appreciation for the story. With both of those stories circling around my mind grapes I have been in contemplation mode for a few days. All of this talk of dying and living and the inevitable changes and decisions that come with both has been sitting with me, ruminating.

(HOLY SHIT it is hard to write with children climbing all over me and asking questions like “why do apples smell like apples?”!!!)

I wrote a blog post recently that I never posted, it was a little heavier than most in the wake of Vegas and having a fugitive on the loose in our tiny town. In it I question whether or not having the surgery was worth it and my answer was I don’t know. I was in a bit of a rut with dieting and boobs deep in Sept/Oct birthday weeks. I may post it in a few days, the point is, I think it’s all relative, today, I am glad that I made the leap into a Pepsi-less world even though it sucks so much sometimes.

After writing that blog and reading those books I have come to remember that life is about more than what is happening right now. So much of my focus lately has been on food good bad and in between. There is more to my life than the food that I cannot eat. There is more to the process of Lap Band than dieting or at least, there should be. I am going to make it so. In one of the books the dying woman decides to do 100 days of being happy. I do not foresee me being able to pull that off, but I am going to try to think differently. When I decided to do the surgery I was very excited about all the things I would be able to do. Lately I have been focused on all of the things I can’t do…see half full, then half empty. Over the past few days my brain has been shaking me a little, bringing to light that though I have not been  cognizant of it things have been changing for me. As cliché as it sounds, I have had more energy even with sick kids and no caffeine, I have had less stomach trouble, and I have only had one migraine since I started all of this. These things are huge! I am coming to see that it’s not just about the diet and exercise but that changing those aspects of my life have spurred all around change. Like I said, I won’t be doing 100 days of happy but I seem to becoming happier and more aware of life.

So now friends I have a question for you…

When I am running or working out I very much enjoy pretending that I am in a montage from one of those movies where people turn their lives around, it’s fun and it helps time pass. What I need from you is a playlist. Tell me the best montage songs you can think of and I will make a work-out playlist.

Perhaps I have been thinking too much lately, my brain is starting to hurt as much as all of the muscles I didn't know I had!

Exercise Confessions of a Lap-Band Mom

Exercise, it’s a funny word isn’t it? Complicated to spell and surprisingly complicated to achieve.  My Lap-Band surgeon has been largely emphasizing walking. When I ask about strength training his only response is, “Well, you should be able to walk”. When I ask again he says “I mean, when you feel ready, but you are always ready to walk!” Right dude, I get it, cardio is key. However, I have been saving up fat for the winter for decades and the extra skin is going to have to go somewhere. Everything I read tells me that the best way to combat loose skin is to do some type of weight training program. I’m not a fool, I know it is inevitable but I want to do everything I can to fight it. To be honest, this has been one of my biggest concerns about the whole process. I know it’s gross to think about but I just keep picturing “ Big Fat Bastard” from The Austin Power’s movies and how he looked at the end of the series…is that going to be me!?!

So, as my surgeon says I have been walking or doing some type of aerobic workout. And I joined a gym where I do circuit training three days a week. I know that in my last blog post I said that my next one would be about joining the gym, but that can wait. Right now I am going to hand down a few more lap-band confessions…exercise edition.

When I was a tiny young thing my Mom used to do work-out videos. And when I say videos, I mean actual VHS videos. This was of course in the age of Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons, the home-work- out GREATS! My siblings and I had Sweat’en to the Oldies down. We knew every song, my brother knew every move, and we had it timed out perfectly. If we wanted to get away with something without Mom seeing we knew exactly when to do it. If Mom said “Be dressed by the time I’m done” we knew which song meant time to get moving. We were also assholes about it, we would get in her way, we would make fun of the moves and the outfits, and we would complain when we wanted the tv. I tell you this so that you can understand how my ideas of mom-exercising were formed.  You see, it is only natural that I sought out a Richard Simmons workout for myself. (You may laugh) I found Richard Simmon’s 80’s Blastoff and it is every bit as glorious as you are imagining. The clothes are early 2000’s interpretations of the 1980’s and the songs, well, actually the songs are a bit disappointing…but the MOVES! Oh the moves! But the best part? Richard himself, all glittery and fabulous! He talks through the entire thing and here comes my real confession…I love it. Every time he says “I believe in you” I talk back “I know you do Richard!” “I love you.” “I love you too Richard!” “You’re my best friend!” “You’re mine too!!”  And naturally, as is the order of things, my minions pull the same crap with me that we did with my Mom, but that’s o.k. because I have Richard!

On days when I don’t do my DVD I walk on a path through a wooded area in a park near where I live.  It’s peaceful and pretty and there are little turtle friends everywhere. Many people use this particular trail, it is not a secret known only to me but being as it is so peaceful and secluded it is easy to forget that. Today was a day that I forgot about the other people. I was walking along at a brisk pace doing my thing. Guns n’ Roses was blaring through my headset and I was scream singing right along with Axle. “BACK OFF, BACK OFF BITCH…” playing simultaneous air guitar and air drums. (I am just that talented) When out of nowhere and with no warning someone (maybe a murderer) snuck up behind me and said “Good Morning”. There I was minding my own business when a voice from NO WHERE startled me out of my zen walking! I screamed super loud, like high pitched soprano scream then did the only thing that came natural. I spun around with karate chop hands and yelled “WHATFUCKMURDER!” We were then face to face. Me and the predator, and I was ready to fight! I was not going down like that! Then the young-old man (like a young grandpa type) smiled and said “Oh good morning I just didn’t want to startle you by walking by” And do you know what I said? “Yeah, well, sheesh. Um…sorry sir.” Then he just strolled on by as though I wasn’t having a heart attack. It was like that scene in the Goonies when the girls step on a rake and then claim they were almost killed, accept, I could have been!

I almost died!

And even though my life force almost escaped my body I will continue to go back and walk, I will continue to dance with Richard and I will continue to literally work my ass off.

Until next time….

I'm still fat damnit!

Not long after I got home from having Lap Band surgery the two littles approached me. They had Big eyes and nervous looks on their faces so I knew they had either done something wrong or were about to do something wrong. As they loomed the bigger one (Minion #2) shoved the smallest (Minion #3) in front as though urging him to take the bullet.

#3 : Um, Mommy, I gots a question. No, WE gots a question.

#2 stood silently trying to make himself shorter than his little brother (which, incidentally is not hard to do).

Me: Yes? What is it my darling sweetness? (Yes, I did say that, sometimes it works to throw them off)

#3: Well you had you surgeries? And then you said it was gonna make you…you know…um...” turns to his brother….

#2: I think what he means Mommy, is that, well…You remember you said you were gonna have this surgery?

Me: Yes?

#2: And then after your surgery, you know it was gonna change stuff….

#3: (cutting off his brother) Mommy? Why is you still fat?

What I wanted to say was “No shit right?!” I mean yes, I have lost about 30 lbs which is great and all, but in the past week it seems to have stopped. No, I’m lying, it went up 2 lbs and then stopped. What the hell I’m only like 3 weeks out and I have already hit a plateau?  I know that is part of weight loss but come on, my incision isn’t even healed yet! At least when I got cut open to have a baby 3 weeks later, I had a bigger baby. I was kind of hoping for the opposite…you know…3 weeks later no longer look like I’m expecting a baby.

As I bitched about this inwardly, and o.k. let’s be honest, outwardly to The Pastor it occurred to me that perhaps I should start watching my caloric intake. So I downloaded a great app www.baritastic.com/, for anyone who may need it. This app is fantastic, it helps me track my water, my protein, my supplements, everything. I was super excited about it until it turned on me and told me I was taking in too many calories. Now I hate it. Turns out 600-800 calories a day gets eaten up pretty quick (Get it? Eaten up?). So I am having to learn how to budget calories more carefully than I ever have.

Today being the exception, I am not hungry all that often. When it’s time to eat I HAVE to eat but otherwise I don’t find that I am starving all of the time like I once was. I am finding that my biggest hurdle is the desire to snack. I love to snack. I love snack foods. And I love mindless empty calories. Now if I decide to have a snack, it had better count towards my protein or at least have fiber. And I have to think ahead about how that snack will affect my calories for dinner. It’s all so organized and responsible, so…adult. And, if you are asking “What have you chewed up and spit out recently?” My response would be “Nothing, thank you very much.” Except that would be a lie. The real answer is extra cheesy pretzel Goldfish crackers…I know. I know. I feel shame.

But things aren’t as tragic as they seem. Except in this moment, for some reason today, I am exceptionally hungry and in desperate need of caffeine. Which I haven’t had for two and a half weeks thank you very much.

Things are actually going pretty well other than the damned pounds that won’t go away. I joined a gym this week. AND I worked out that very same day. Now, I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal to some, but for me it is. I haven’t been active at a gym since Minion #1 was a toddler (he will be 11 in Nov.)  I am not the type that likes to look foolish or look like I do not know what I am doing. So this was extra challenging with the gym ladies watching. I should explain. The gym I joined is an all-female gym. I like this for many reasons, however, there seems to be a group of retired-aged ladies that like to hang out and chat all morning. They are all very nice, but they like to watch and make sure everyone is doing everything properly while they sit and gossip. I know that I am going to grow to love them, and I have no doubt I will have many “gym lady” stories to share. In fact, my next blog may just be about the experience of joining the gym. I am also walking more and building up strength and stamina. It is a good feeling to know that I am working my body towards a goal.

An even better feeling however is one that happened today…

We live within walking distance from the boy’s elementary school, and they walk every day. Husband has walked them before, but I never have. I am not a morning person and the 5-10 minute walk has always seemed extremely daunting. This morning #2 asked if I would walk him to school. Without hesitation, I said “Yeah, sure.” He stared at me for a minute like, who the hell are you and what have you done with my mother? And, honestly, I was kind of thinking the same thing! But I did it, I walked a very excited 7 year old and a not so excited 10 year old to school this morning and DEMANDED kisses at the door! Then the 4 year old and I continued to walk for another 40 minutes.

Saying yes to my kid like that is one of the big reasons I decided to have surgery in the first place. So, all of the hunger and food craving aside, I really am excited to see what I will agree to next.

Stop taunting me you damned delicious little fish!