Ask me what size shirt I wear...go on...do it!

I know, I know, it’s been a little bit since my last blog post and ya’ll have been just dying for a new one. I understand, and I have not been avoiding you, well, maybe a little, but not entirely. Anyhoo… it has been 2 months since my lap band surgery. I have lost roughly 47 pounds. My damn pants won’t stay up without serious assistance and I was able to buy an XL t-shirt at my Alma Mater gift shop! You read that right XL!!! I honestly do not know when the last time was that I was able to purchase and then actually wear and XL t-shirt. I am positive it was before having babies, but just how long before…I couldn’t tell you. I have wistfully bought a few here and there, but have never felt comfortable wearing them. The exciting part about the whole purchase was that I bought a 2XL hoping that it wouldn’t be too tight and then ended up having to go back and exchange it because it was too big! TOO BIG! A 2XL! Whose life is this?

The weight loss process is an interesting one. As I said, I have lost roughly 47 pounds, which is like, my 7 year old. That is no small feat. Well, he is a small 7 year old, but that’s not really the point. The point is 47 pounds is a hefty amount of weight to loose (get it, hefty…because I’m hefty…it’s o.k. to laugh, I’m laughing). There are moments like when I had to exchange my 2XL for an XL shirt that I am struck but how cool it is that I have lost so much. There are other moments when I am still experiencing fat girl problems that I have frustration that I haven’t lost even more. To be clear, I know that 47 pounds in 3 months is ri-damn-diculous.  I really do. But then I do things like go to a college reunion and see friends that I haven’t seen in years, friends that have not seen me this fat and I am still self conscious. By the time I graduated college I wasn’t exactly skinny, but I was not the overly voluptuous creature that I am today. And it’s not like anyone walked up to me and said “HOLY SHIT YOU’VE PUT A LOAD ON!” In fact, many of them have read at least one blog or facebook post about the surgery and know that I am working on my girth. But, still, I knew. There was a part of me that was excited by how everything fits differently than it has in the recent past. But there was another part of me, the anxious, self-conscious voice in my brain that continued to remind me that even though I have lost a lot of weight, I’m still really fat. I hate that voice, she sucks. 

Part of the problem with that voice is that I have allowed her more control than I should. And by “have allowed her” I mean since about puberty she has been there, in my head doing all she can to make me feel like shit about myself. That bitch. Part of what has given her even more power recently is that I had to stop working out for a while. My knee started bugging me but I kept going, couch to 5K, strength training, walking…all of it. Then it started bothering me, but I pushed on in spite of The Pastor’s (husband’s) pleas for me to take a break. Then it started hurting like hell, that’s when I stopped mid-run and made a doctor’s appointment. The doctor told me in no uncertain terms to stop leg exercises for “awhile” and that perhaps running wasn’t a good idea, like, ever. This was extremely disheartening to hear, I love running, always have, and was excited to get started again. But she delicately (sort of) suggested that a person of my size could do more harm that good by putting so much force on my knees. And that perhaps an old injury (like maybe the time I jumped from a 4 ft high fence at Camp Cho-Yeah and hit the ground hard) was resurfacing making things even worse. She told me that walking is best for now, and maybe for always, but not until it starts to feel better. That was hard to take in, here I am trying to be healthier, do all of the things that people on pamphlets and in commercials do and the doctor is all “UM…..NO” Well, really my knee is all “um…no”. But the doctor said it out loud.

Having that set back has not been great for me, and for a while it has given that bitch in my head a lot to work with. But I went back to the gym today, I took it slow, which was hard for me, but I did not push myself back into the routine I had built up to. It feels a little bit like starting over again…again, but it felt good to be back in action.

So, for now, I will go slow and not run. But I will build my strength beyond where it has ever been and hopefully someday I will be able to run a 5k like I have always wanted to do.

Until next time…

Me in the shirt! I'm the not pregnant one. The pregnant one is Heidi my bff from way back.