It's been a while, but that's ok, I have a new life's goal

It has been a very long time since my last blog. Many things have occurred in my life to give me perfectly reasonable excuses for this sabbatical including but not limited to: packing to move half way across the country, moving half way across the country, beating all of our worldly possessions to our new home, getting settled into a new church/ community, purchasing a house, convincing my children we do not need a puppy, deciding that I need a puppy, trying to convince husband that he needs a puppy, and so on…

So, you see, I have a plethora of excuses for not writing for several months, but the truth is, I simply have not known what to say. I have had enough experiences and stories to fill a book I just haven’t made myself sit down and write. And Truth be told I am still not convinced I have anything to say that people want to read. But, this morning I logged onto facebook to write a status post that started to seem a little long, so here I am taking a shot a blogging once again.

I think on some level I have known this for some time, but today, I am saying it to the world, putting it out there, looking ahead with no turning back…

I am now officially making it my life's goal to do the following...

*Bide my time until my son’s are adults with adult responsibilities.

*Make a point of knowing when each son has a shit ton of business to take care of.

*Show up at his home or business and wait until he is not just on the phone but IN THE MIDDLE of  an important phone call and that that call is the first in a long string of calls that he will absolutely have to make that day.

And then....

* Scream

*Make insane, unreasonable, beyond ridiculous demands

* Tug on his clothes, and perhaps, if the windows are open, pants him

*Throw balls at him

*Climb dangerous furniture

*Turn the t.v. up CRAZY loud

*Empty the freezer

*Go outside in just my underwear

*Pour milk on the floor

*Close/turn off his laptop, tablet, phone, etc.

*Go into a room that is off limits and destroy it

*And on, and on, and on

I will then calm down and settle into an activity giving him a false sense of security, making him believe that he has appeased me with goldfish and a different T.V. show than the 3 that he tried while talking on the phone. I will snuggle up with a blanket and smile sweetly. I will allow him all of the peace and quiet that he could ask for while he sits on hold listening to a mellow saxophone version of “Like A Virgin” (I will wait as long as it takes) and as soon as an actual human person says “Hello, my name is___” I will start my crazy ass shenanigans ALL. OVER. AGAIN.  

When it is all over and he has either abandoned his cause or pushed through it and finished his business I will kiss him on the cheek, tell him I love him, and leave quietly to start all over again with his brother. I will do this until I have visited each one of my children and fully accomplished all of the tasks I have laid out. I will not rest until this is done. I understand that this could take years but that is ok, the sweet feeling of accomplishment I will feel when I have finished my goal will be worth the wait.  

Precious Little Liar

“It’s not nice to lie”. “We do not lie in this house.” “Remember Pinocchio? His nose growing?  You are going to wish that was your punishment if you lie to me”.  These are the things we as a society tell our children. I know in our home we value honesty and kindness above all other things. Well, that and sleep. Husband and I really like sleep, and eating in peace, and pooping without interruption…But HONESTY, that’s a big one with us. Or so we tell ourselves. We preach it to the kids all of the time, we can incorporate honesty into almost any “teachable moment”. But I realized this morning that perhaps we are not always as honest with the children as we want them to be with us. I mean, really I knew that, it’s a given, it is in the survival code of parenting. But something that happened this morning has made me ultra-aware of this reality…

It started last night when the oldest came into my room extremely annoyed and in general fed up with the antics of his little brothers. He told me that he HAD to tell me something and that it was extremely important and that it was about his middle brother (or #2). How could I ignore that…

“Proceed”

“Huh? Oh right, you say weird things sometimes, so anyway, Mommy, Do you know what he said? He said that he can do anything he wants and get away with it! He said he won’t get into trouble because you don’t know!.................(silence)…………………………………………..WELL??? (arms flailing like a cartoon character) Go get him!”

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I will take care of it.”

GIANT SIIIIIIGH

I allowed this information to sit with me for a while, I know he tries to pull a lot of shit. He waits until I am outside on the playground having to focus on the 2 yr old and then goes into the apartment and tries to do things like collect all of the bubbles off of the very top of the tall bookshelf (his, his brothers, mine) and then sneak them outside in a plastic shoprite bag saying that he is taking out the garbage. You know, taking the garbage to the giant dumpster that he can’t reach in the parking lot where he is not allowed. This particular incident, the bubble incident, was made even more interesting when I came inside later to find 7 blankets stacked by the shelf. It seems he used those to help him climb the shelf to get the bubbles instead of using a barstool or a chair, which seems just a tiny bit more logical. When I asked him why he simply said “In case I falled” Well sure.

But I digress… I know he tries to pull stuff all of the time and sometimes I call him on it but sometimes if it isn’t a huge deal, like when he “sneaks” a banana and leaves half of the peal on the banana tree, I let it go.  You know, pick your battles and all that. So immediately I came to the conclusion that I can’t let anything go anymore…Or can I?

I decided that I also need to have a little talk with him. But as I can’t be sure that I actually know EVRYTHING he tries to get away with I knew it was going to be a game of “are you smarter than a 4 year old”. (The jury is still out on that) It went a little something like this…

“Hey Buddy, you know that every time you try to sneak something or be sneaking about something I know about it right?”

L-o-n-g P-a-u-s-e

Innocent half smile “Mommy, what are you talking about?”

“I mean when you try to do stuff like sneak the bubbles outside when you think I’m not paying attention, I know about it. I know that you try to sneak around all of the time. I know what you are up to even if you think I don’t” (mostly true)

Silence

“I see. Um. Mommy, I love you. Also, I need to give that some thought. Can I have a minute?”

“Sure, gather your thoughts”

“I will do that Mommy.”

A little while later he approached me

 “So Mommy, I have been thinking bout it. And I am very sorry.”

“Thank you, what exactly are you sorry for?”

“Oh Mommy, I think you already know that”

(Rapidly trying to plot my next move) “Yes, well. I accept your apology, but just remember I know when you’re up to something so don’t let such things happen again. Ok?”

“Ok Mommy, no more such things.”

So, one might argue that I lied to my child as I have no effing clue what he was apologizing for.  But truly it was for his own good just like it is for his own good when I tell him that if he jumps off of the top bunk he WILL go to the hospital or if he doesn’t wear his seat belt I WILL go to jail.  So as I see it, I am not lying per say, just giving him colorful antic dotes or allowing him to come to his own conclusions.  I have also decided that maybe I shouldn’t call him on EVERYTHING he tries to pull because eventually he will figure out that there are things that I do not know about and he will then deduce exactly what he can get away with and how to do it. And then the real “Are you smarted than a 4 year old” game begins.

The Bathroom Issue

A few months ago #3 turned 2 and ½ . This is not something that we generally celebrate or (if I’m being honest) even pay attention to. ½ birthdays in our home usually pass without anyone realizing at all, but not this ½ birthday. This ½ birthday was special, wonderful, I would even say monumental! This ½ birthday marked the age requirement for #3 to start pre-school at our church!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and I love the time that I am able to spend with my kids but a woman’s gotta breath. When I told a friend of mine (also a stay at home mom with young kids) about this fantastic news, I listed the reasons I was excited and that it was in fact essential for him to go to pre-school a few days a week. These reasons mostly revolved around the fact that we are moving soon i.e. I can pack without “help”, I can throw stuff away without later finding it stuffed into the dishwasher part of the play kitchen, or, the actual dishwasher, I can go to doctor’s appointments without an entourage, etc...  Her response? Yeah, but also, you can go “potty all by yourself”…heaven! It’s funny the moments that parents look to as things to strive for and look forward to, and “going potty by myself” is absolutely on my list.

Here are a few bathroom stories that have recently taken place in my home…

#3 is a bit of a mama’s boy which simultaneously gives me major joy and unbelievable frustration, especially when I am trying to go to the bathroom because he ALWAYS KNOWS. I can set him up with my phone and the TV.  and a Pokemon card of his brothers that would normally be off limits and walk in and out of the room 2 or 3 times without him noticing but the second I sit down on the toilet, there it is his little smiling face right in my face, often times with his elbows resting on my knees and his chin resting in his hands.

“What you doing Mommy”

“Going potty.”

“Oh. Ok. I need go potty too. Move please” (tries to push me off the toilet…we haven’t even begun to potty train)

Or

“Hi Mommy. You go potty?”

“Yes. May I be alone please?”

“Oh, um, No Mommy, I no like that”

Or

“Mommy go poop? Shoo-wee”

“Yes, so, can I do that myself?”

“Oh. Ok. I got it!” Walks out of the bathroom into the bedroom, closes the bedroom door in his brother’s face “Mommy be byself”. Walks into the bathroom and closes and locks that door, “Ok mommy, you hold me now” tries to climb into my lap.

#2 and I seem to have an ongoing conversation about me not having a penis.  This is a fact that he simply finds shocking. Anytime he brings it up and I explain yet again that I do not have one his reaction always includes the phrase “OH NO!” I get the standard question of “How do you pee?” often. But I have also heard “Then what do you play with?” And “Then howcome you wear underwear?” He has also informed me “You know Mommy, I’m pretty sure Jesus had a penis” (That’s my little preacher’s kid)

Most recently, on Mother’s Day interestingly enough, this conversation took place…

I took him into the Women’s bathroom with me, something that I don’t usually do because we are trying to give him the independence of going by himself, but the restaurant was crowded and the bathrooms were by the kitchen. I was concerned that when he was finished he might bolt out of the bathroom and right into a server with a tray full of food. So there I was alone in my stall about to pull my pants up and whose head should pop up under the stall door? My 4 year old of course. As we are washing our hands he say:

“So. You really do just have a jine, huh?”

“What?”

“You really DON’T have a penis. There just nothing there, just a jine.”

“Oh. Well, there is SOMETHING there , I have a vagina. And you have a penis that’s just the way it is. And please don’t stick your head under bathroom doors anymore”

“Oh, don’t worry (blows out a big sigh) I. Won’t.” ……mostly to himself “A gina, (tisk) poor Mommy”

#1 Is less concerned about being with me or what parts I have that are different than his.  My oldest child is just a barger, with one thing on his mind, whatever it is that is on his mind in that moment…

“Um, Mommy?”

“Dude, do you see what I am doing?”

“huh?”

“I’m sitting on the toilet, what  do you think is happening right now?”

“Oh. Right, Ok, Mommy….(and then he goes on to ask whatever question or make whatever statement he came in for)”

“OUT!”

I love my boys. But my wise wonderful friend was absolutely right, #3 going to preschool means I get to “go potty all by myself” And those moments when he is there and I am here and I have to go, well, I’m not gonna lie, they are awesome!