Life just after bariatric surgery is a mixed bag. It has
been a little over a week since my procedure and I am still in some pain. Also,
I have a lot of emotions, add to that (cover your eyes dudes that are scared of
women’s bodies) the fact that two days after surgery I started my monthly
adventure (there I cushioned it a little), I think I might just have all of the emotions right now. Going in I knew that this would be a challenge
and a new way of life and all that. But
the reality of it all hit me just after I was parked in my overnight hospital
room. I may be mistaken but I think I turned to my friend and said “Holy Shit.
I just got Lap Band”. I could be wrong about that, I may not have said that out
loud at all (that day is a little fuzzy), but I know I was thinking it. It was like
every consequence of my decision hit me in that instant. BAM right in the brain…WAKE
UP…YOU JUST HAD LIFE ALTERING SURGERY…DID YOU KN
OW?!?
Yes, I researched and prayed and prepared. I drug Minion
number 3 all over creation looking for specific types of drinks for the post-op
diet. I suffered through hell week of all liquids, no protein. I was ready.
Until it happened, then, not so much. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe I
made the right decision. I have already
lost quite a few pounds, and that is great. I regret nothing except for my “last
meal” Burger King. What was I thinking? Mexican food! ALWAYS Mexican food.
I could write this blog post from a different point of view.
I could tell you that my life has changed for the better, and I already feel
great due to the weight that I have lost. I could tell you about the confidence
that I have gained just by knowing that I had the surgery. And don’t worry, all of that is there, a
piece of the puzzle that currently makes up my transitional existence, but
there is more to it than that. If I’m going to write honestly then I won’t hold
back.
Today is a good example of the “mixed bag” that I spoke of.
It was #3’s first day of pre-k (HALLELUJAH). After getting rid of him…excuse
me, dropping him off and kissing him goodbye (which he’s already too cool for
by the way) I decided to get in one of my required 15 minute walks for the day.
I had the park to myself and did it no problem. As I got into the car I decided
that wasn’t enough so I drove to a different park and did 30 more minutes. That
made me feel pretty good about myself. I then spent the remainder of the
morning checking out gyms in my area. In the past when I have entered a gym,
even one that I frequent, I have always felt crazy self-conscious. I always
have the sense that the skinnies and the muscles are looking at me with
scoffing eyes that are saved for judging fatties and their fatty friends. But
not today. Today, I entered every one of those places with confidence because I
know that I am doing something about my weight and my health and to hell with
anyone who wants to judge me. It was a powerful feeling, and I quite enjoyed
it.
Tonight, however, I am sad because my family is at an event
at church that I am not attending because it involves dinner and dessert. I had
been feeling depressed most of the afternoon, and I wasn’t sure why. Then I had
the chance to talk to my best friend on the phone. I got to say things out loud
that had not yet been given a voice. I realized that I miss life. I haven’t been
to church in a few weeks because I am avoiding prying eyes and donuts. I just
went back to work yesterday, but as I am part time I won’t be back until Saturday.
I miss being in the world. But that’s not all, that’s not even the biggest
thing…
True Confessions Time…
I miss chewing. Sipping and slurping food just isn’t doing
it for me anymore. I want to pick up a pretzel, put it in my mouth, and chew
it. I want to eat food with taste and texture. I want to cook something other
than instant grits. Now here’s where it gets really bad…bear with me…
I have an adorable next door neighbor, she is 15 and all 3
of my boys are in love with her. Her school is doing a fundraiser and she knows
that if she asks my boys will find a way to give her their money. So I got a
text the other night “Do the boys want to buy some meat sticks?” Now, I ask
you, what would you do if you got a text like that? I ignored it. This afternoon
she came by and asked. It turns out the high school is selling slim-jim type
meat snacks. But come on, meat sticks? I can’t be the only one that giggled at
that. Anyway, the boys each got one, and she was on her way. As I sat trying to
help 1 and 2 with homework the aroma of the meat stick wafted up my nose. I was
powerless to its draw so, I did the unthinkable. I took the little one’s
(easiest to overpower) and took a bite. I savored that beast, I chewed and
tasted it, and it was all that I wanted it to be. Then, I spit it out, because,
what the hell else was I going to do? So, there, my true confession for the
day. I chewed up and spit out a meat stick. (take that how you will)
There are of course more layers. I am living in a time of
transition, from week to week my diet is changing. My body is not yet fully
healed, and I am having to live with in that reality. There are things about my
life that I have accepted will never be the same again, but due to the
transitioning, I have not yet settled into my new reality yet.
So that is me for now. I will post again soon, until then,
keep the good vibes coming, and thank you all for your support.
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| Mother's Day 2017. This was the picture that made me stop and say "Yup, I'm doing this." |
