Exercise, it’s a funny word isn’t it? Complicated to spell
and surprisingly complicated to achieve. My Lap-Band surgeon has been largely
emphasizing walking. When I ask about strength training his only response is, “Well,
you should be able to walk”. When I ask again he says “I mean, when you feel
ready, but you are always ready to walk!” Right dude, I get it, cardio is key.
However, I have been saving up fat for the winter for decades and the extra
skin is going to have to go somewhere. Everything I read tells me that the best
way to combat loose skin is to do some type of weight training program. I’m not
a fool, I know it is inevitable but I want to do everything I can to fight it.
To be honest, this has been one of my biggest concerns about the whole process.
I know it’s gross to think about but I just keep picturing “ Big Fat Bastard”
from The Austin Power’s movies and how he looked at the end of the series…is
that going to be me!?!
So, as my surgeon says I have been walking or doing some
type of aerobic workout. And I joined a gym where I do circuit training three
days a week. I know that in my last blog post I said that my next one would be
about joining the gym, but that can wait. Right now I am going to hand down a few
more lap-band confessions…exercise edition.
When I was a tiny young thing my Mom used to do work-out
videos. And when I say videos, I mean actual VHS videos. This was of course in
the age of Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons, the home-work- out GREATS! My
siblings and I had Sweat’en to the Oldies down. We knew every song, my brother
knew every move, and we had it timed out perfectly. If we wanted to get away
with something without Mom seeing we knew exactly when to do it. If Mom said “Be
dressed by the time I’m done” we knew which song meant time to get moving. We
were also assholes about it, we would get in her way, we would make fun of the
moves and the outfits, and we would complain when we wanted the tv. I tell you
this so that you can understand how my ideas of mom-exercising were
formed. You see, it is only natural that
I sought out a Richard Simmons workout for myself. (You may laugh) I found
Richard Simmon’s 80’s Blastoff and it is every bit as glorious as you are
imagining. The clothes are early 2000’s interpretations of the 1980’s and the
songs, well, actually the songs are a bit disappointing…but the MOVES! Oh the
moves! But the best part? Richard himself, all glittery and fabulous! He talks
through the entire thing and here comes my real confession…I love it. Every
time he says “I believe in you” I talk back “I know you do Richard!” “I love
you.” “I love you too Richard!” “You’re my best friend!” “You’re mine too!!” And naturally, as is the order of things, my
minions pull the same crap with me that we did with my Mom, but that’s o.k.
because I have Richard!
On days when I don’t do my DVD I walk on a path through a
wooded area in a park near where I live.
It’s peaceful and pretty and there are little turtle friends everywhere.
Many people use this particular trail, it is not a secret known only to me but
being as it is so peaceful and secluded it is easy to forget that. Today was a
day that I forgot about the other people. I was walking along at a brisk pace
doing my thing. Guns n’ Roses was blaring through my headset and I was scream
singing right along with Axle. “BACK OFF, BACK OFF BITCH…” playing simultaneous
air guitar and air drums. (I am just that talented) When out of nowhere and
with no warning someone (maybe a murderer) snuck up behind me and said “Good
Morning”. There I was minding my own business when a voice from NO WHERE
startled me out of my zen walking! I screamed super loud, like high pitched soprano
scream then did the only thing that came natural. I spun around with karate
chop hands and yelled “WHATFUCKMURDER!” We were then face to face. Me and the predator,
and I was ready to fight! I was not going down like that! Then the young-old
man (like a young grandpa type) smiled and said “Oh good morning I just didn’t
want to startle you by walking by” And do you know what I said? “Yeah, well,
sheesh. Um…sorry sir.” Then he just strolled on by as though I wasn’t having a
heart attack. It was like that scene in the Goonies when the girls step on a
rake and then claim they were almost killed, accept, I could have been!
 |
| I almost died! |
And even though my life force almost escaped my body I will
continue to go back and walk, I will continue to dance with Richard and I will
continue to literally work my ass off.
Until next time….
