This one isn’t going to be about the kids. This one is about
me and my adventures as a “less than healthy” mom. I have mentioned my weight
in previous blogs and anyone who knows me or looks me up on facebook knows that
I am not a small person. I don’t talk
about this much on social media because there is always that one person who
will say “If you don’t like the way you look do something about it.” Well F-off
dude! If it was that easy we would all look like super models. I have seen other blogs and various social
media posts about “owning the mom body” or feeling sexy in the skin that you
are in. And I am totally down with that.
I read that stuff and get all empowered and I’m like “Hell Yeah!” I will
take my kids to the public pool and screw anyone that doesn’t like it! Which is easy to say in the moment until I
remember that I am new in town and the one mom friend that I have here still
looks like the athlete she says she was in high school.
But for the moment it
is still winter and in the winter I get to wear hoodies and jackets which,
let’s be honest, doesn’t really hide anything but it sure makes me feel better.
And being winter it is easier to make decisions to do things that my kids want
me to do, other people’s opinions be damned! (Because I don’t have to wear a
swim suit). With this in mind I took my kids to the park after school the other
day. My intention was to read while they frolicked and played, but they had other
ideas.
Minion #1 wanted to show me the woods behind the
park. So I obliged and we trampled
through the very muddy woods. Which resulted in me slipping and landing in a
mud puddle becoming far muddier than my children could dream of getting.
Minion #2 wanted to have a scooter race with me, I agreed
only because there was no one else around to witness my inevitably humiliating defeat.
I set the first course and damn near face planted but made
it unscathed in second place at the finish line. I made the mistake of allowing
him to set course number two…I swear, the hill did not look steep or treacherous
when I walked up it. Oh well, live in learn. So there I was, a 37 year old
generously proportioned woman with mud from foot to ass riding my 9 year olds
scooter down a hill.
It went a little something like this…
Start, fine, though the kid cheated (like he really needed
an advantage). As I approached the hill things started to come into focus that
had not occurred to me before such as “Holy hell what in the crap are you
doing? What made you think this was a good idea?!?” As that was going on in my
head many, many things were going on with the rest of me. I knew that there was
no way that this was going to end well, it felt as though I was going 70 mph
down the now growing hill and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this
scooter would be the death of me. My head and shoulders were going one way
while my ass was going another and my stomach yet another. My boobs were going
hither and yon and just when things could not get any worse a bug flew up my
nose. That was when I decided to bail, somehow, due to what I can only describe
as my super human strength I managed to jump off of the confounded contraption
without meeting my demise. But, do you know what happens when you are speeding down
a hill on wheels going 100 mph and then remove the wheels from the equation?
Well, you have to keep moving, due to some unforeseen miracle my feet did just
that. I ran down what had now become a mountain with a scooter swinging from my
outstretched arm and if I thought my body parts where moving freely when I was
on the scooter, well, that was nothing compared to the show that they were
putting on now. In my head I could only process the thought “When will it stop?”
Somehow in the midst of the madness it occurred to me to throw the scooter into
the grass, but that was only after it bruised my calf. Somehow, by what I
assume was divine intervention I landed at the bottom of the hill in front of
my 5 year old that said “Ah, Mommy, you forgot the scooter.”
 |
| The Hill. Notice how the children manipulate it with ease. |
