Thinking and Overthinking...I guess it's better than overeating

I have never been a “glass is half full” type of person ( here is where those of you who know me well are saying…”Um…yeah…and?”) But I’m not really a “glass is half empty” person either. I’m more of a “Lets drink it all and see what happens…Oh shit I just dropped the glass” kind of person. I don’t tend to see things in a happy or sad, good or bad, black or white kind of way. I seem to always look for the good in the bad and the bad in the good. There is always something funny to be found in sadness and you can bet that there is a bit of tragedy in laughter. In short, I go where life takes me and I bitch the whole way while laughing my ass off. That’s me you know…human. So when I make a big decision, like say, moving my family from Houston (home) to New Jersey (totally unfamiliar) or from New Jersey (home-ish) to Missouri (WHAT!?) I give it A LOT of thought until I can’t take it anymore and then I just stop. And wait. To see what’s going to happen next. Making the decision to get Lap Band wasn’t much different. As I have mentioned in other posts I did my research, I did my thinking, and I did my praying. Then I just stopped. And did. Which has lead me toward an interesting path, as major life changes tend to do.

Just before and just after surgery I was very focused on when I would be able to chew food again, and then it became about what food I could and could not, or rather should and should not eat. That is a hard stage, and though I am starting to learn my limitations and trying to stay within them I still have those days. What does not make it easy is the fact that we have entered my favorite mash-up of seasons. I love fall and all it brings leading right into the Advent season (as my husband The Pastor calls it) or the holiday season (as it is known to the rest of us). It is also birthday/anniversary season in our house. We have September, October, and November kid birthdays and a December anniversary. So, although this is a very expensive time of year I still love it so very much. In the past (and by that I mean for my whole life until now) I have especially loved the food that this season brings. Back to back birthday cakes and special dinners, Thanksgiving, Christmas baking, and, yes, I will admit that I LOVE Pumpkin Spiced Lattes. With all of this in mind let’s think back to my first paragraph…I thought the surgery through and then I had to shut it out or I probably never would have gone through with it. I knew that I would miss out on all of the delicious holiday coffee and Chinese birthday meals but I plowed through anyway. And because of that somedays are a struggle.

It’s not all about food either. 

Throughout my life I have enjoyed exercise, it has often been something of an escape for me. I was excited to get started again after my surgery but did not fully appreciate the lengths that my fat ass would have to go through to be able to say run 1 min walk 2 with the C25K app.  You know how people say that there is a “good kind of pain”? I get that, I really enjoy the knowledge that I am working towards something and trying to make a difference for myself. On the other hand OW! It hurts, it all hurts, my toenails HURT. What in the absolute hell!?!

So where am I going with all of this you may ask, well, as you might have noticed from my opening I’m feeling a little philosophical today. I recently read a book called 100 Days by Nichole McInnes. It is a great book written for young adults. The premise is that a teenage girl has 100 days to live but doesn’t know it. I then read a new novel by Eva Woods called Something Like Happy. This book was also about a person with 100 days to live, except this woman knew it and lived into that reality. I enjoyed reading Something Like Happy. But, after reading the author’s notes in the back of the book I had a whole new appreciation for the story. With both of those stories circling around my mind grapes I have been in contemplation mode for a few days. All of this talk of dying and living and the inevitable changes and decisions that come with both has been sitting with me, ruminating.

(HOLY SHIT it is hard to write with children climbing all over me and asking questions like “why do apples smell like apples?”!!!)

I wrote a blog post recently that I never posted, it was a little heavier than most in the wake of Vegas and having a fugitive on the loose in our tiny town. In it I question whether or not having the surgery was worth it and my answer was I don’t know. I was in a bit of a rut with dieting and boobs deep in Sept/Oct birthday weeks. I may post it in a few days, the point is, I think it’s all relative, today, I am glad that I made the leap into a Pepsi-less world even though it sucks so much sometimes.

After writing that blog and reading those books I have come to remember that life is about more than what is happening right now. So much of my focus lately has been on food good bad and in between. There is more to my life than the food that I cannot eat. There is more to the process of Lap Band than dieting or at least, there should be. I am going to make it so. In one of the books the dying woman decides to do 100 days of being happy. I do not foresee me being able to pull that off, but I am going to try to think differently. When I decided to do the surgery I was very excited about all the things I would be able to do. Lately I have been focused on all of the things I can’t do…see half full, then half empty. Over the past few days my brain has been shaking me a little, bringing to light that though I have not been  cognizant of it things have been changing for me. As cliché as it sounds, I have had more energy even with sick kids and no caffeine, I have had less stomach trouble, and I have only had one migraine since I started all of this. These things are huge! I am coming to see that it’s not just about the diet and exercise but that changing those aspects of my life have spurred all around change. Like I said, I won’t be doing 100 days of happy but I seem to becoming happier and more aware of life.

So now friends I have a question for you…

When I am running or working out I very much enjoy pretending that I am in a montage from one of those movies where people turn their lives around, it’s fun and it helps time pass. What I need from you is a playlist. Tell me the best montage songs you can think of and I will make a work-out playlist.

Perhaps I have been thinking too much lately, my brain is starting to hurt as much as all of the muscles I didn't know I had!