Welp, It's about that time...

I have never posted two blog’s so close together, but my life is moving pretty fast right now. I am overwhelmed by all of the positive feedback and encouragement that I have been getting. Thank you everyone! And please, continue to share.

I am on day 7 of my pre-op liquid diet for Lap-Band surgery. When I last posted it was day 2. Ahhh, day 2, when I still had color in my cheeks and joy in my heart. I was told by a friend that come day 3 I would hate everyone that I love and will want to burn the house down. Well, that didn’t happen…till day 6, and if I’m being honest a little bit day 5, and well, yeah, maybe day 3. On day 4 I posted on Facebook about a conversation I had with Minion #3….

4 year old: "Mommy, you smell like diet"

Me: "Oh yeah? What does diet smell like?"

4yr old: "Oh. You know, sad."

So, that was cheery.

 Day 5 was the day of the frozen pizza. I should stop here and explain that my diet this week has consisted of sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, diluted diet Gatorade, and for protein, clear chicken broth. Which I thought wouldn’t be so bad, but I forgot just how much I loathe the taste of sugar free or diet stuff. Honestly I’d rather go without than have the diet version of popsicles and jello. In fact, until this week I would have told you that I would go hungry before eating that shit, turns out that’s not the case.

So, day 5, the frozen pizza. Until day 5 I had managed to avoid being around my family when they ate meals. I worked Monday and Tuesday evening, so they ate dinner while I was at the library. Though, I will admit (maybe I shouldn’t) that Tuesday night when I sat down at the table to “eat” my broth, I saw a tiny piece of noodle and broccoli from dinner, and it took more will power than I am willing to admit not to eat it. Wednesday a friend took the boys to McDonald’s while the Pastor had back-to-back meetings and Thursday was $.50 corndog day at Sonic…so…obviously.

But Friday, day 5…Fridays in our house generally mean family pizza and movie night. If it’s the beginning of the month close to pay day we carry out from Papa Johns, if it’s the end of the month we do Aldi frozen pizza. That’s right, Aldi – none of that hoity-toity Red Barron stuff, what are we millionaires? As you have likely assumed we are on a pretty tight budget, so as much as I wanted to kick all four of my men’s cute little asses out of the house to eat anywhere else, it just wasn’t in the cards. That afternoon after school I had already thrown a container of hummus and a bag of veggie straws on the table and told the 3 minions to go crazy and don’t talk to me until it was all gone or put away. Then I locked myself in my room and watched Crazy Ex-Girlfriend until the coast was clear. That wasn’t too bad because I couldn’t smell the hummus, and I turned the show up to drown out the happy sound of satisfied crunching. But the Aldi pizza. Oh sweet heavenly god’s of food and comfort, what hath thou brought upon me?!? It was terrible! I sat in my room with the door closed desperately hoping that Netflix would carry me away to place of comfort and safety. Wishing that I could think of anything, ANYTHING other than the delectable aroma wafting, no bursting through my plaster walls like a sugar frenzied 4 year old at a candy store looking for his next fix. It was coming for me, and I was powerless to stop the smell, the vision of gooey cheesy deliciousness, and my family as they devoured it and were certainly mocking me just beyond my door. I picked a show to watch that I know by heart. A show that brings me peace like a security blanket, It’s my security show. I watched Gilmore Girls. For anyone who may be wondering, Gilmore Girls is NOT the show to watch when the goal is to not think about food.

Day 6 was when I realized that I couldn’t keep my emotions in check anymore. I told Minion #1 to clean the bathroom and when I inspected it – I. Lost. My. Shit. I took one look at the sink and then looked at him…

Me: Do you call this clean?

#1:Um…well…yeah?

I then turned on my heels, stepped into my bedroom closed the door and screamed all of the cuss words into my pillow, and ya’ll, when I say all of the cuss words I mean ALL of the damn cuss words. When I emerged from my room, red faced and sweaty, it was to find the boy standing there with a bewildered look on his face…

#1: Woah.

Me: I’m taking a shower. Fix it.

#1: Um…how…I’ll figure it out.

He did, kinda.

But that is when I realized that perhaps the lack of nutrition was getting to me just a little. Later that day at work I stood still and watch the room move around me wondering if that’s what it feels like before one passes out.

The worst of it though was somewhere in the middle. I spent all night in a cold sweat, nauseous with my head slamming into my eyeballs. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely move. It was terrible. All I could think was “What in the hell is happening to me? Is this how I am going to die?!?!?!?” The next morning I realized that I was going through sugar withdraw. I thought quitting smoking was hard. I thought giving up caffeine was excruciating. Turns out maybe some of those news reports and documentaries on the power of sugar were a little more accurate than I wanted to admit.

Now it is day 7. The last day of my pre-surgery diet.  Tomorrow at 8:30 (or so they say) I will be knocked out cold while my doctor and some strangers play with my guts for an hour or so. I have been told that the week following the procedure I will not be hungry at all, and though I will still be on the liquid diet, with the addition of protein water, I am very much looking forward to next week.

Again, thank you all for your comments and support. To be truthful, one of the best distractions that I have had is watching my blog view numbers double what they have ever been. So please, keep reading, keep commenting, and keep sharing. My current state is so fragile that I don’t even want to think what it would do to me if my numbers dip. J

See you on the other side.

I hate you sugar free Snack-Pack!

My life's about to flip-turn upside down

As you probably know this blog is about my life as a mom, a pastor’s wife, and a lover of cuss words (which incidentally doesn’t mesh well with the whole “pastor’s wife” vibe). That is not to say that I am not more than that. I am me, my own independent woman, in fact, I prefer to tell people the pastor is Kellie’s husband and also we happen to have children. But my life is what it is; I am a full-time, stay-at-home parent, a part time librarian, an aspiring author, and also I blog… when I remember.  So I write about what is in front of me.  Generally that means stories about my kids and their hijinks.

For example…

Sunday as I was frantically getting dressed to be the pastor’s wife, I heard loud mumbling on the other side of my door, and here’s what happened:

Me: No. Stop whatever you are doing DO NOT come in. I am not dressed.

Minion #3: (BURSTING into my room) Mommy, I need to tell you (GASP)

                    Mommy! You is not DRESSED!

Me: (trying to hold up my towel and push him out the door) Right, as I said. Now. Go.

M3: But Mommy that’s inppropriate ! I don’t believe this Mommy! You is all the way

        NAKED!

Me: because this is my room and I am getting (shut door) dressed!       

2 minutes later

BURST

M3: Mommy I can’t believe dis! You is still NAKED! YOU NEED GET DRESSED

        RIGHT NOW!

I closed the door

M3: (yelling from the other side) BUT MOMMY I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMEFING

            IMPORTANT!!

I opened the door a crack

M3: Ollie is having a nap.

        (At that he turned and walked away throwing over his shoulder)

         Now get dressed please mommy!

    

And the lesson learned from this story? I need a lock on my bedroom door.

So there you go a cute story about one of my minions, but not actually the reason for this particular blog post.

The reason for this post is the following….

Today I begin a journey. No.

My life is about to begin anew. Nope.

I’m fat. (Yes, there we go. Right to the heart of it.)

I have been fat for most of my adult life, my weight has fluctuated and pregnancy has taken its toll more than once. I have tried fad diets, long tested diets, juicing, and simply counting calories. I enjoy exercise when my body cooperates. I lost the genetic lottery when it comes to health and metabolism.  That is not an excuse, simply a piece of the puzzle. I’m closing in on 40 (holy shit FORTY) and I already feel like my body is giving out. I am on the road to heart disease, diabetes, and a whole host of other weight related issues. I know that weight has a lot to do with my crazy back pain and my new found tennis knee (I call it that because it sounds way better than I’m fat and my knee hurts). My body chemistry is out of whack and I am tired all of the time. Granted having three kids, a busy husband, and being a stay-at-home mom with a job contributes to the tiredness. I can’t keep up with my kids or my life.

I’m done.

This is not the me I want to be anymore.

I am ready for a change.

I have done weight watchers. I have done South Beach. I have juiced. I have tried many, many other weight loss techniques. Some of them have worked a little, most not at all. I have had a long inward dialogue about weight loss surgery for years. Starting when the mom of a dear friend from college was down and out for over a year due to complications from a bariatric surgery gone wrong. I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether or not it is a justifiable option. I have allowed other’s opinions to cloud my own viewpoint of the overall effectiveness for such surgeries and what people’s motivation may be to have it done. I have sat and listened while people that I love say terrible things about other’s weight behind their back and then continue to chastise the same people when they decided to have surgery to help with weight loss. When I was a “smaller” fat person I allowed myself to fall into the belief that if I simply ate less and exercised the weight would come off no problem. Problem, as previously mentioned I have several genetic roadblocks including but not limited to P.C.O.S. that makes losing weight a whole different kind of battle for me than for some others. My husband, for example can stop drinking sweet tea, switch to black coffee, eat less dessert and is down two pants sizes within a month (Is it o.k. to hate your spouse a little…I’m asking for a friend?)

So with all of this floating around in my noggin for a few, well, years I came to the decision that I want weight loss surgery. (I know, big shocker right? It’s not like I was leading up to that or anything.) Actually, no, I should rephrase that…I have thought, and prayed, and researched and come to the conclusion that weight loss surgery is the best option for me, for my family, for my life.  And because I am already a “mom blogger” of sorts and an aspiring author, what the hell, I am going to blog about my journey. Maybe it will help someone else find the courage to make a big decision in their life, or maybe I will be able to connect with others having similar experiences, or maybe, my mom and my aunts will read this to keep track of my progress and scoff at my cussing.

I will write about the crap moments and the awesome moments, a little more about how I got here, and whatever else may pop into my head.

Whether I get 1 or 1,000 readers my goal is the same, to share and have an open dialogue with others. Please feel free to comment or message me any thoughts or questions you may have, even if just to say “hey dumb ass you use way too many commas, your grammar is garbage!”

----I wrote the above blog post a few weeks ago with the intention of starting a separate blog, this blog being more about my life as a mom and all. But I realized that this is part of my life as a mom. This is an adventure that we as a family are going on together. There are going to be days when I am pissed and over everything and will need to blog about why my kids think that I am the absolute worst and other days when they will be the absolute worst and even other days when I will want to write about how they inspire me. So I have decided to write about this voyage on my “mom blog” because one of the biggest factors in my life is my kid’s whether I am having surgery and changing my entire life or not.  Please read, share and engage. I am open to questions and discussion, also encouragement! The surgery is not the end result; it is the beginning of everything.

The surgery is scheduled for Mon. 8/28. I began my “liquid diet” yesterday. I am sure I will have another post by the end of the week; only that one might be full of expletives and a long explanation about why my family is terrible because they had the nerve to eat breakfast.

So…here I go….

 

Before

Only at Walmart

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday.

I should stop here and allow your imaginations to take control.

But I won’t.

I had just one kid, Minion #3 and we were on a mission. He had things he wanted to accomplish and I needed milk and meatballs. We set out on our adventure through the great uncompromising capitalist jungle with lists in hand and my Shop kick app at the ready. We had a few successful “kicks” under our belts when it happened…

The kid was in the “big part” of the shopping cart, a thing that I do to keep me from loading it up with the inevitable crap I don’t need except when I am standing in front of it at Wal-Mart wondering how I have lived my whole life without that watermelon knife.

So there we were scanning the barcode of Sensodyne toothpaste, the minion was standing up in the cart with his hand on my shoulder “helping” me with my phone. When all of a sudden a random lady stopped dead at the end of the toothpaste isle, left her cart and ran over to us whisper-yelling “Oh NO! Little boy you MUST sit down. Please! Do you know what will happen to you when you fall out of that cart? Your head will Bust open and you will have to go to the hospital and get it glued back together!”

#3 and I stood in silence for what felt like a full 2 minutes though it was probably more like 3 seconds. Our eyes wide, mouths slightly open from shock, if we were emojies we would have been “WTF!?” faces. Then #3 looked at her and said “Uhhhh. What?” (Couldn’t have said it better myself). She gave an odd little giggle like a mix between Tweety Bird and Satan. Then repeated herself going further to say that he should not stand in the cart and that “I’m sure your mother is just too busy to notice but sweetie, you are just too cute and I would hate to see you permanently injured, I’m sure your Mommy really doesn’t have time for that.”

The kid and I looked at each other, blinked, looked back at her, and waited.

She then went on to tell him how cute he is (naturally he agreed with that). She waited until he sat down and then walked off tossing over her shoulder “Not trying to tell you how to parent, he is just so cute.” Which is when I should have said, “What in the absolute hell does one have to do with the other you crazy over parenting nightmare of a fellow Wal-Mart shopper. Seriously what the Shit!?”  But she was gone before I could get my thoughts gathered from a stream of expletives to a semi-proper sentence.

As we walked through the rest of the store #3 kept an eye out for “The Lady” as he called her. One of our goals for that particular trip was for him to spend his own money. I wanted to teach him about price comparison and making sure he bought what he came for etc. In order to do that I would have him stand in the cart to read prices and what have you. Every time I told him to stand he would hold his little four-year-old index finger up and say “Wait Mommy. Must check for The Lady”. The first time he did it I asked him why, his explanation was simple “She not gonna yell at MY Mommy again!”

Throughout our shopping he would randomly put his hand to his forehead as if on look out, whip his head around and say, “CLEAR!” It actually turned into quite an exhilarating little game.

When we finally reached check out we were pleased to find that ahead of us in line was one of our sweet church ladies. #3 yelled “HEY! HEY YOU, IT’S ME! I LOVE YOU!” Which of course caused her to fly into him with a gargantuan embrace. They chatted a little, discussing their day and what not until the kid looked up and said “Oh, I’m sorry you need get back to your spot now. The Lady is here. Mommy, quick, it’s her, she’s behind you!”

I turned and was face to face with her. She spent the entire time in line grilling the minion asking if he’s a good boy and why he had a Shopkins piggy bank. “That is very pretty is that for your sister?” she asked. “NO.” said my boy “It’s mine! (pish) No sisters!”

I liked how he handled that one but I would have thrown in a “bitch please”.

He then explained that he broke his Ninjin Turtle piggy bank so he had to buy a new one with his own money. That impressed her so she started praising my parenting which of course, transitioned into a lecture on how one should raise children to be fiscally responsible.

As she was explaining to #3 that it is never too early to start saving for college our lovely and wonderful church lady appeared at the minion’s side folding a ten dollar bill into his small fist. “Do you think if I give you this you could talk your Mommy into buying you and your brothers some ice cream?”

His bright excited eyes answered before he could squeak out “Yes! Mommy will do that!”

The Lady silently watched the interaction with wonder. After our church lady left the other lady couldn’t help herself “Well that was awfully generous. Makes you wonder why a person would do that.”

I took that as my opening and said, “Well my husband is a pastor and she is one of our sweet church members that loves to spoil my kids rotten.”

Suddenly everything changed. She stood up straighter, moved her beer under the frozen pizza in her cart and began to absolutely fawn over my parenting skills. Her word patterns swiftly transitioned into spouting out things like “blessed” and “praise be”.

I have to say, it was worth it all just to watch this amazing transformation, if I was a different type of believer I might say she was saved right there in aisle 21 at the Festus Wal-Mart.

Dude's gotta be tough to have Mommies back!