Precious Little Liar

“It’s not nice to lie”. “We do not lie in this house.” “Remember Pinocchio? His nose growing?  You are going to wish that was your punishment if you lie to me”.  These are the things we as a society tell our children. I know in our home we value honesty and kindness above all other things. Well, that and sleep. Husband and I really like sleep, and eating in peace, and pooping without interruption…But HONESTY, that’s a big one with us. Or so we tell ourselves. We preach it to the kids all of the time, we can incorporate honesty into almost any “teachable moment”. But I realized this morning that perhaps we are not always as honest with the children as we want them to be with us. I mean, really I knew that, it’s a given, it is in the survival code of parenting. But something that happened this morning has made me ultra-aware of this reality…

It started last night when the oldest came into my room extremely annoyed and in general fed up with the antics of his little brothers. He told me that he HAD to tell me something and that it was extremely important and that it was about his middle brother (or #2). How could I ignore that…

“Proceed”

“Huh? Oh right, you say weird things sometimes, so anyway, Mommy, Do you know what he said? He said that he can do anything he wants and get away with it! He said he won’t get into trouble because you don’t know!.................(silence)…………………………………………..WELL??? (arms flailing like a cartoon character) Go get him!”

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I will take care of it.”

GIANT SIIIIIIGH

I allowed this information to sit with me for a while, I know he tries to pull a lot of shit. He waits until I am outside on the playground having to focus on the 2 yr old and then goes into the apartment and tries to do things like collect all of the bubbles off of the very top of the tall bookshelf (his, his brothers, mine) and then sneak them outside in a plastic shoprite bag saying that he is taking out the garbage. You know, taking the garbage to the giant dumpster that he can’t reach in the parking lot where he is not allowed. This particular incident, the bubble incident, was made even more interesting when I came inside later to find 7 blankets stacked by the shelf. It seems he used those to help him climb the shelf to get the bubbles instead of using a barstool or a chair, which seems just a tiny bit more logical. When I asked him why he simply said “In case I falled” Well sure.

But I digress… I know he tries to pull stuff all of the time and sometimes I call him on it but sometimes if it isn’t a huge deal, like when he “sneaks” a banana and leaves half of the peal on the banana tree, I let it go.  You know, pick your battles and all that. So immediately I came to the conclusion that I can’t let anything go anymore…Or can I?

I decided that I also need to have a little talk with him. But as I can’t be sure that I actually know EVRYTHING he tries to get away with I knew it was going to be a game of “are you smarter than a 4 year old”. (The jury is still out on that) It went a little something like this…

“Hey Buddy, you know that every time you try to sneak something or be sneaking about something I know about it right?”

L-o-n-g P-a-u-s-e

Innocent half smile “Mommy, what are you talking about?”

“I mean when you try to do stuff like sneak the bubbles outside when you think I’m not paying attention, I know about it. I know that you try to sneak around all of the time. I know what you are up to even if you think I don’t” (mostly true)

Silence

“I see. Um. Mommy, I love you. Also, I need to give that some thought. Can I have a minute?”

“Sure, gather your thoughts”

“I will do that Mommy.”

A little while later he approached me

 “So Mommy, I have been thinking bout it. And I am very sorry.”

“Thank you, what exactly are you sorry for?”

“Oh Mommy, I think you already know that”

(Rapidly trying to plot my next move) “Yes, well. I accept your apology, but just remember I know when you’re up to something so don’t let such things happen again. Ok?”

“Ok Mommy, no more such things.”

So, one might argue that I lied to my child as I have no effing clue what he was apologizing for.  But truly it was for his own good just like it is for his own good when I tell him that if he jumps off of the top bunk he WILL go to the hospital or if he doesn’t wear his seat belt I WILL go to jail.  So as I see it, I am not lying per say, just giving him colorful antic dotes or allowing him to come to his own conclusions.  I have also decided that maybe I shouldn’t call him on EVERYTHING he tries to pull because eventually he will figure out that there are things that I do not know about and he will then deduce exactly what he can get away with and how to do it. And then the real “Are you smarted than a 4 year old” game begins.

The Bathroom Issue

A few months ago #3 turned 2 and ½ . This is not something that we generally celebrate or (if I’m being honest) even pay attention to. ½ birthdays in our home usually pass without anyone realizing at all, but not this ½ birthday. This ½ birthday was special, wonderful, I would even say monumental! This ½ birthday marked the age requirement for #3 to start pre-school at our church!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and I love the time that I am able to spend with my kids but a woman’s gotta breath. When I told a friend of mine (also a stay at home mom with young kids) about this fantastic news, I listed the reasons I was excited and that it was in fact essential for him to go to pre-school a few days a week. These reasons mostly revolved around the fact that we are moving soon i.e. I can pack without “help”, I can throw stuff away without later finding it stuffed into the dishwasher part of the play kitchen, or, the actual dishwasher, I can go to doctor’s appointments without an entourage, etc...  Her response? Yeah, but also, you can go “potty all by yourself”…heaven! It’s funny the moments that parents look to as things to strive for and look forward to, and “going potty by myself” is absolutely on my list.

Here are a few bathroom stories that have recently taken place in my home…

#3 is a bit of a mama’s boy which simultaneously gives me major joy and unbelievable frustration, especially when I am trying to go to the bathroom because he ALWAYS KNOWS. I can set him up with my phone and the TV.  and a Pokemon card of his brothers that would normally be off limits and walk in and out of the room 2 or 3 times without him noticing but the second I sit down on the toilet, there it is his little smiling face right in my face, often times with his elbows resting on my knees and his chin resting in his hands.

“What you doing Mommy”

“Going potty.”

“Oh. Ok. I need go potty too. Move please” (tries to push me off the toilet…we haven’t even begun to potty train)

Or

“Hi Mommy. You go potty?”

“Yes. May I be alone please?”

“Oh, um, No Mommy, I no like that”

Or

“Mommy go poop? Shoo-wee”

“Yes, so, can I do that myself?”

“Oh. Ok. I got it!” Walks out of the bathroom into the bedroom, closes the bedroom door in his brother’s face “Mommy be byself”. Walks into the bathroom and closes and locks that door, “Ok mommy, you hold me now” tries to climb into my lap.

#2 and I seem to have an ongoing conversation about me not having a penis.  This is a fact that he simply finds shocking. Anytime he brings it up and I explain yet again that I do not have one his reaction always includes the phrase “OH NO!” I get the standard question of “How do you pee?” often. But I have also heard “Then what do you play with?” And “Then howcome you wear underwear?” He has also informed me “You know Mommy, I’m pretty sure Jesus had a penis” (That’s my little preacher’s kid)

Most recently, on Mother’s Day interestingly enough, this conversation took place…

I took him into the Women’s bathroom with me, something that I don’t usually do because we are trying to give him the independence of going by himself, but the restaurant was crowded and the bathrooms were by the kitchen. I was concerned that when he was finished he might bolt out of the bathroom and right into a server with a tray full of food. So there I was alone in my stall about to pull my pants up and whose head should pop up under the stall door? My 4 year old of course. As we are washing our hands he say:

“So. You really do just have a jine, huh?”

“What?”

“You really DON’T have a penis. There just nothing there, just a jine.”

“Oh. Well, there is SOMETHING there , I have a vagina. And you have a penis that’s just the way it is. And please don’t stick your head under bathroom doors anymore”

“Oh, don’t worry (blows out a big sigh) I. Won’t.” ……mostly to himself “A gina, (tisk) poor Mommy”

#1 Is less concerned about being with me or what parts I have that are different than his.  My oldest child is just a barger, with one thing on his mind, whatever it is that is on his mind in that moment…

“Um, Mommy?”

“Dude, do you see what I am doing?”

“huh?”

“I’m sitting on the toilet, what  do you think is happening right now?”

“Oh. Right, Ok, Mommy….(and then he goes on to ask whatever question or make whatever statement he came in for)”

“OUT!”

I love my boys. But my wise wonderful friend was absolutely right, #3 going to preschool means I get to “go potty all by myself” And those moments when he is there and I am here and I have to go, well, I’m not gonna lie, they are awesome!

I love my kids, It's just....

It would seem my children are very diplomatic and organized because based on the day I have had and the way that they have been behaving the only logical explanation I can come up with is that they banned together, took a vote, and made the unanimous decision that today is…wait for it….

(The)  Official Whine About Absolutely Freaking Everything Day or O.W.A.A.F.E. Day (you know, to simplify things)

It started at 3 a.m. (yes you read that correctly) when the 2 year old came stumbling into my room whining my name like he had had one too many (I should toss in here that Husband has been out of town for going on 7 days so I am alone in this and the children are fully aware of my growing vulnerability). He then spent the next 2ish hours rolling around in my bed making whiney noises. I gave him water, changed his diaper, checked his vitals, he had “Teddy Bear”, he was fine. There were moments when he asked to go back to his bed but when I took him he screamed like a zombie with a hormone imbalance and as he shares a room with the other two I couldn’t just leave him.  

He fell asleep around 5. So naturally the oldest woke up 30 mins. earlier than usual and was at my bedside at 6:30. I quickly told him “Don’t wake your brother.  Leave this place. Make yourself cereal.  Read a book. Play D.S. I don’t care. Let your brothers sleep. Give me my last 30 mins.”

It should be known here that he is not normally allowed to play video games at all in the morning and the TV only goes on after everyone is dressed and ready for the day and then it is only PBS Kids.

When I got up as quietly as I could so that the minion next to me would stay asleep I went in to find #1 watching Pokemon, instead of turning it off which is what I would normally do I went completely against my nature. I paused it and said “OK Buddy, here’s what we’re going to do. If you can eat breakfast, brush your teeth and get dressed quickly this morning I will let you finish watching Pokemon before school.  (big smile) But you have to be all the way ready for school before we turn it back on.” And the big smile turned into a giant schlumping blob of whiney 8 year old right before my eyes. I ignored this and asked him “Do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?” This is the same question I ask every morning. Today he sat up (just a little) and looked at me as though my question had shocked him to his very soul. His answer?

“I cannot believe you could even ask me that right now.”

Yup he was in full-on 13 year old mode. FANTASTIC.  Meanwhile, I am so tired I had been trying to put my robe on unsuccessfully for 5 mins. (I finally gave up and decided it was broken)

So that is a small sampling of minion # 1’s whining for today. So far. Until he comes home.

Number 2 has been a little more subtle he’s in a great mood one minute and then a whine machine the next.  And he can spread it so thick you would think he powers the t.v. with the energy his whining produces, he is a true master. First He didn’t want his brother to sit near him. Then he didn’t want his brother to sit so far away. A little later he needed a purple marker but not “That purple a different purple, why isn’t ANYTHING EVER FAIR?” And for lunch all he could talk about was PB&J and blueberries so that’s what he got. After he finished his sandwich he whined because “I just don’t understand these blueberries”.

As for # 3 today has just been one big constant whine. He whined because he wanted sparkling water in his sippy cup and then when I gave in and gave it to him he whined because it squirted him the eye. Of course if I am being totally honest that is why I gave in and gave it to him, you know, natural consequences and all that. He whined because he wanted to listen to music on the Roku so I put it on and his favorite song was playing on Pandora (Shake it Off, don’t judge) This did not please the minion prince, he turned it off and then when the song went away he whined that he wanted to song back.  He whined because he wanted to go outside but did not want to wear pants. And then he whined later when I took the pants off for nap. Everything in his day causes this child to whine.

I know that someday I will look back on my kid’s younger years with a romanticized idea of their childhood and long for them to be small again. But not this day. This day is being blogged about so that my future self can read it, take a deep breath and then go take a nap because I’ll be damned if the 2 year old will not sleep this afternoon even though we all know that is all he really needs and if he doesn’t nap, I don’t nap.

In the meantime I will just settle for telling myself that they planned this and be proud that they can find a cause and commit to it.

Snake on a Plane

 As a family our lives have been a little stressful lately. Husband is graduating in May so he is finishing up classes and facing the reality of leaving his current job soon. Minion #1 is in 2nd grade which according to him is "just the worst grade invented and why would they even have it?” (I'm guessing we will get a similar sentiment every year for the next 10 years at least). Minion #2 has the stress of being 4 and so desperately wanting to be 5. All he wants in life is to be 5 and go to Kindergarten, he dreams about it, draws pictures and even has an outfit picked out. It's really too bad that he has a summer birthday and probably won't start for another year.  And minion #3 has the terrible stress of being 2. It is hard to be 2 and insist that the world revolve around you, I simply cannot imagine a tougher lot in life. And I am trying to keep things together for my boys. They are all facing the realities of our upcoming move in their own way, plus, as spring comes, so the schedules increase substantially. Let's add to that traveling for various reasons, a winter that will NOT leave (I swear I want to find that bitch Elsa and wring her pristine little neck), my annual cancer scan to see if  the Thyroid Cancer that I booted really did stay out, and just general life stuff.  So there you have it, stress. 

Among all of this life and stress that has been happening my dear sweet wonderful Grandfather died. So this past weekend I traveled home to attend his funeral. During my travels I encountered many people from many walks of life. Some nice, some...not so much. I would now like to give a shout out to one of the latter.

 So, the following is a letter to the dude that sat next to me on the plane on the way home from my grandfather's funeral. The dude in the airline uniform (I'm guessing pilot?) that was already comfortably seated before they started to heard the rest of the passengers on the plane. The guy who took one look at me, made a noise of disgust under his breath, stood and turned to look at his buddy seated behind him and then proceeded to gesture towards me and make faces as though I could not see him, or as though he did not care that I could see him. 

Dear Dude,

I'm sure that you were hoping for some young hot person to chat up while flying the friendly skies. It must be a huge disappointment to be seated next to a fat aging housewife that has been up since 2 am and looks like death. How frustrating it must be to endure 2 hours next to this pitiful human being. 

You really are quite handsome, and what nice hair you have. Your outfit is pressed and fits you very well. I can see that you take pride in your appearance and I am sure that your employers appreciate that given that when you wear their uniform you are representing their company.

I do not know you or why you are flying today. Perhaps you have had a long day or perhaps your day has been great up until now. I know that it is not going well now because I saw your reaction when I sat down next to you in the seat that I paid for. I heard your sighs of disgust and I saw you stand and turn to find your buddy's gaze so that you could share a laugh at my expense. I was painfully aware of all of this happening. I am not invisible and I am a hearing and seeing person so none of this escaped me. To top it off I am a mom of three young boys so I have kind of a "radar" for such behavior (you might say I have eyes in the back of my head). I know what I would say to my boys if they made a person feel the way you made me feel. What would your mom say to you? 

Are you at all interested in my day? Do you care that I am crazy tired due to layovers and cancelled flights?   Would it interest you to know that I am in a state of longing for my children and husband and grieving for my grandfather who I loved very much?

You know what? I will not bother you with these trivial matters. Because you have been put upon enough today. So do not trouble yourself with the traveler to your left (or right for that matter, I can see he that annoys you as well) I will sit and read and keep to myself that was after all my intention anyway. You should really have a talk with your employers about setting up a standard for the people whose money they will accept. 

I do hope your day gets better,

Sincerely, 

The insignificant blob sitting next to you.

P.S. For what it's worth... I was a little disappointed in my fellow passengers today too. You see, I was hoping to sit next to someone with just a shred of decency and perhaps a little touch of kindness. 

So there you have it. A little outpouring of frustration. Kind of a “release valve” for some of the stress. I’m sure the minions will do something terribly funny or embarrassing soon and I will have a light hearted post coming your way in the very near future. Until then good people...

 Smile at everyone you meet, you never know who it will piss off J !

Seeing the Dark side on Ash Wednesday

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and I had an awakening.

But I will get to that in a moment…

As I mentioned in my last blog entry I have 3 children – boy children to be exact. To be even more exact, they are 2, 4, and 8. We are in an even year. The year I fear the most is the “odd” year of 11, 13, and 17. I don’t even want to begin to imagine what our home will be like that year. Perhaps, I will choose that year to go to grad school, a faraway grad school that requires me to live on campus – alone.

But I digress…

We call these boy children our “Minions” because of the Despicable Me movies. As a family we love them, and the boys really do act like the minions (especially the 2 year old).

This year when the godmother of Minion #1 asked what she should get them for Christmas, it only took me a minute to think about it before I enthusiastically texted:

(Me): LIGHTSABERS

(Her): For all 3?

(Me): Yes???

(Her): Even the 2 year old?

(Me): ???

And the conversation continued with her questioning my suggestion that a 2 year old would want a light saber, or perhaps why I would want a 2 year old to have a light saber. In the end the older two received light sabers, and the youngest a Mickey Mouse backpack.

I find that the lightsabers spend most of their time on the very top of the book shelf in our living room. I thought that this was because the noise annoyed me, the kids fighting drove me crazy, and also out of fear for the TV. But I think, “Maybe I was wrong about everything?” (Not about the TV. I do fear for the TV – almost constantly).

Husband took the older two to the Ash Wednesday service at our church, and I stayed home with Minion #3. We ate pizza, watched Pitch Perfect, had a Paula Abdul dance party…Oh what a time we had!

Then, I noticed the lightsabers and took them down. I handed him Obi Wan’s and kept Anikan’s for myself. I did this mostly because Anikan’s blue saber can turn into to Darth Vadar’s red saber, and seriously, who wouldn’t rather have that one?

I enthusiastically began to battle him. He stood on the couch holding his weapon while I hit it with mine. Anytime I would turn mine to the evil red color he would turn his off and sweetly say, “No Mommy.” So I would turn it back to blue, he would turn his back on, and we would battle some more. (I use the term battle very loosely here because it was mostly me jumping and spinning around tossing and catching the toy saying lines from various Star War’s movies while the child stood on the couch and watched.)

It wasn’t until I actually involved him by allowing him to “hit” me and acting injured that he really started to enjoy himself.

We had a great time until I realized what time it was, and that he needed to start calming down for bed. At some point during our game we switched weapons, so that he had the lightsaber that could switch to the dark side. I am not sure when it happened, but perhaps that was a pivotal moment in my son’s life.

I said “Ok Pal, It’s time to start calming down and put the light sabers away.”

He pushed the button, turned the damned thing red, held it in front of his face, looked me in the eye menacingly and growled,

“No. Mommy.”

His voice was far from the sweet baby voice he used only fifteen minutes before.  

In that moment, for just a brief second, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry and run screaming from the apartment.

So, My Awakening?....

 1.)    I don’t think I take the lightsabers away from the Minions because the noises and fighting annoy me. I think I take them away because I am annoyed with myself that I have other things that I “have” to do that keep me from playing with them and, by extension, my kids.

2

2     2.)    Maybe – just maybe – a Mickey Mouse back pack was a better choice for the 2 year old as he cannot seem to handle the power of yielding lightsaber.       

Annnnd

3

3    3.)    The Force is strong with this one!  (I need to watch him like a damn hawk!)