I love my kids, It's just....

It would seem my children are very diplomatic and organized because based on the day I have had and the way that they have been behaving the only logical explanation I can come up with is that they banned together, took a vote, and made the unanimous decision that today is…wait for it….

(The)  Official Whine About Absolutely Freaking Everything Day or O.W.A.A.F.E. Day (you know, to simplify things)

It started at 3 a.m. (yes you read that correctly) when the 2 year old came stumbling into my room whining my name like he had had one too many (I should toss in here that Husband has been out of town for going on 7 days so I am alone in this and the children are fully aware of my growing vulnerability). He then spent the next 2ish hours rolling around in my bed making whiney noises. I gave him water, changed his diaper, checked his vitals, he had “Teddy Bear”, he was fine. There were moments when he asked to go back to his bed but when I took him he screamed like a zombie with a hormone imbalance and as he shares a room with the other two I couldn’t just leave him.  

He fell asleep around 5. So naturally the oldest woke up 30 mins. earlier than usual and was at my bedside at 6:30. I quickly told him “Don’t wake your brother.  Leave this place. Make yourself cereal.  Read a book. Play D.S. I don’t care. Let your brothers sleep. Give me my last 30 mins.”

It should be known here that he is not normally allowed to play video games at all in the morning and the TV only goes on after everyone is dressed and ready for the day and then it is only PBS Kids.

When I got up as quietly as I could so that the minion next to me would stay asleep I went in to find #1 watching Pokemon, instead of turning it off which is what I would normally do I went completely against my nature. I paused it and said “OK Buddy, here’s what we’re going to do. If you can eat breakfast, brush your teeth and get dressed quickly this morning I will let you finish watching Pokemon before school.  (big smile) But you have to be all the way ready for school before we turn it back on.” And the big smile turned into a giant schlumping blob of whiney 8 year old right before my eyes. I ignored this and asked him “Do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?” This is the same question I ask every morning. Today he sat up (just a little) and looked at me as though my question had shocked him to his very soul. His answer?

“I cannot believe you could even ask me that right now.”

Yup he was in full-on 13 year old mode. FANTASTIC.  Meanwhile, I am so tired I had been trying to put my robe on unsuccessfully for 5 mins. (I finally gave up and decided it was broken)

So that is a small sampling of minion # 1’s whining for today. So far. Until he comes home.

Number 2 has been a little more subtle he’s in a great mood one minute and then a whine machine the next.  And he can spread it so thick you would think he powers the t.v. with the energy his whining produces, he is a true master. First He didn’t want his brother to sit near him. Then he didn’t want his brother to sit so far away. A little later he needed a purple marker but not “That purple a different purple, why isn’t ANYTHING EVER FAIR?” And for lunch all he could talk about was PB&J and blueberries so that’s what he got. After he finished his sandwich he whined because “I just don’t understand these blueberries”.

As for # 3 today has just been one big constant whine. He whined because he wanted sparkling water in his sippy cup and then when I gave in and gave it to him he whined because it squirted him the eye. Of course if I am being totally honest that is why I gave in and gave it to him, you know, natural consequences and all that. He whined because he wanted to listen to music on the Roku so I put it on and his favorite song was playing on Pandora (Shake it Off, don’t judge) This did not please the minion prince, he turned it off and then when the song went away he whined that he wanted to song back.  He whined because he wanted to go outside but did not want to wear pants. And then he whined later when I took the pants off for nap. Everything in his day causes this child to whine.

I know that someday I will look back on my kid’s younger years with a romanticized idea of their childhood and long for them to be small again. But not this day. This day is being blogged about so that my future self can read it, take a deep breath and then go take a nap because I’ll be damned if the 2 year old will not sleep this afternoon even though we all know that is all he really needs and if he doesn’t nap, I don’t nap.

In the meantime I will just settle for telling myself that they planned this and be proud that they can find a cause and commit to it.

Snake on a Plane

 As a family our lives have been a little stressful lately. Husband is graduating in May so he is finishing up classes and facing the reality of leaving his current job soon. Minion #1 is in 2nd grade which according to him is "just the worst grade invented and why would they even have it?” (I'm guessing we will get a similar sentiment every year for the next 10 years at least). Minion #2 has the stress of being 4 and so desperately wanting to be 5. All he wants in life is to be 5 and go to Kindergarten, he dreams about it, draws pictures and even has an outfit picked out. It's really too bad that he has a summer birthday and probably won't start for another year.  And minion #3 has the terrible stress of being 2. It is hard to be 2 and insist that the world revolve around you, I simply cannot imagine a tougher lot in life. And I am trying to keep things together for my boys. They are all facing the realities of our upcoming move in their own way, plus, as spring comes, so the schedules increase substantially. Let's add to that traveling for various reasons, a winter that will NOT leave (I swear I want to find that bitch Elsa and wring her pristine little neck), my annual cancer scan to see if  the Thyroid Cancer that I booted really did stay out, and just general life stuff.  So there you have it, stress. 

Among all of this life and stress that has been happening my dear sweet wonderful Grandfather died. So this past weekend I traveled home to attend his funeral. During my travels I encountered many people from many walks of life. Some nice, some...not so much. I would now like to give a shout out to one of the latter.

 So, the following is a letter to the dude that sat next to me on the plane on the way home from my grandfather's funeral. The dude in the airline uniform (I'm guessing pilot?) that was already comfortably seated before they started to heard the rest of the passengers on the plane. The guy who took one look at me, made a noise of disgust under his breath, stood and turned to look at his buddy seated behind him and then proceeded to gesture towards me and make faces as though I could not see him, or as though he did not care that I could see him. 

Dear Dude,

I'm sure that you were hoping for some young hot person to chat up while flying the friendly skies. It must be a huge disappointment to be seated next to a fat aging housewife that has been up since 2 am and looks like death. How frustrating it must be to endure 2 hours next to this pitiful human being. 

You really are quite handsome, and what nice hair you have. Your outfit is pressed and fits you very well. I can see that you take pride in your appearance and I am sure that your employers appreciate that given that when you wear their uniform you are representing their company.

I do not know you or why you are flying today. Perhaps you have had a long day or perhaps your day has been great up until now. I know that it is not going well now because I saw your reaction when I sat down next to you in the seat that I paid for. I heard your sighs of disgust and I saw you stand and turn to find your buddy's gaze so that you could share a laugh at my expense. I was painfully aware of all of this happening. I am not invisible and I am a hearing and seeing person so none of this escaped me. To top it off I am a mom of three young boys so I have kind of a "radar" for such behavior (you might say I have eyes in the back of my head). I know what I would say to my boys if they made a person feel the way you made me feel. What would your mom say to you? 

Are you at all interested in my day? Do you care that I am crazy tired due to layovers and cancelled flights?   Would it interest you to know that I am in a state of longing for my children and husband and grieving for my grandfather who I loved very much?

You know what? I will not bother you with these trivial matters. Because you have been put upon enough today. So do not trouble yourself with the traveler to your left (or right for that matter, I can see he that annoys you as well) I will sit and read and keep to myself that was after all my intention anyway. You should really have a talk with your employers about setting up a standard for the people whose money they will accept. 

I do hope your day gets better,

Sincerely, 

The insignificant blob sitting next to you.

P.S. For what it's worth... I was a little disappointed in my fellow passengers today too. You see, I was hoping to sit next to someone with just a shred of decency and perhaps a little touch of kindness. 

So there you have it. A little outpouring of frustration. Kind of a “release valve” for some of the stress. I’m sure the minions will do something terribly funny or embarrassing soon and I will have a light hearted post coming your way in the very near future. Until then good people...

 Smile at everyone you meet, you never know who it will piss off J !

Seeing the Dark side on Ash Wednesday

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and I had an awakening.

But I will get to that in a moment…

As I mentioned in my last blog entry I have 3 children – boy children to be exact. To be even more exact, they are 2, 4, and 8. We are in an even year. The year I fear the most is the “odd” year of 11, 13, and 17. I don’t even want to begin to imagine what our home will be like that year. Perhaps, I will choose that year to go to grad school, a faraway grad school that requires me to live on campus – alone.

But I digress…

We call these boy children our “Minions” because of the Despicable Me movies. As a family we love them, and the boys really do act like the minions (especially the 2 year old).

This year when the godmother of Minion #1 asked what she should get them for Christmas, it only took me a minute to think about it before I enthusiastically texted:

(Me): LIGHTSABERS

(Her): For all 3?

(Me): Yes???

(Her): Even the 2 year old?

(Me): ???

And the conversation continued with her questioning my suggestion that a 2 year old would want a light saber, or perhaps why I would want a 2 year old to have a light saber. In the end the older two received light sabers, and the youngest a Mickey Mouse backpack.

I find that the lightsabers spend most of their time on the very top of the book shelf in our living room. I thought that this was because the noise annoyed me, the kids fighting drove me crazy, and also out of fear for the TV. But I think, “Maybe I was wrong about everything?” (Not about the TV. I do fear for the TV – almost constantly).

Husband took the older two to the Ash Wednesday service at our church, and I stayed home with Minion #3. We ate pizza, watched Pitch Perfect, had a Paula Abdul dance party…Oh what a time we had!

Then, I noticed the lightsabers and took them down. I handed him Obi Wan’s and kept Anikan’s for myself. I did this mostly because Anikan’s blue saber can turn into to Darth Vadar’s red saber, and seriously, who wouldn’t rather have that one?

I enthusiastically began to battle him. He stood on the couch holding his weapon while I hit it with mine. Anytime I would turn mine to the evil red color he would turn his off and sweetly say, “No Mommy.” So I would turn it back to blue, he would turn his back on, and we would battle some more. (I use the term battle very loosely here because it was mostly me jumping and spinning around tossing and catching the toy saying lines from various Star War’s movies while the child stood on the couch and watched.)

It wasn’t until I actually involved him by allowing him to “hit” me and acting injured that he really started to enjoy himself.

We had a great time until I realized what time it was, and that he needed to start calming down for bed. At some point during our game we switched weapons, so that he had the lightsaber that could switch to the dark side. I am not sure when it happened, but perhaps that was a pivotal moment in my son’s life.

I said “Ok Pal, It’s time to start calming down and put the light sabers away.”

He pushed the button, turned the damned thing red, held it in front of his face, looked me in the eye menacingly and growled,

“No. Mommy.”

His voice was far from the sweet baby voice he used only fifteen minutes before.  

In that moment, for just a brief second, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry and run screaming from the apartment.

So, My Awakening?....

 1.)    I don’t think I take the lightsabers away from the Minions because the noises and fighting annoy me. I think I take them away because I am annoyed with myself that I have other things that I “have” to do that keep me from playing with them and, by extension, my kids.

2

2     2.)    Maybe – just maybe – a Mickey Mouse back pack was a better choice for the 2 year old as he cannot seem to handle the power of yielding lightsaber.       

Annnnd

3

3    3.)    The Force is strong with this one!  (I need to watch him like a damn hawk!)

Scaring the pants off of myself

It has been suggested more than once recently that I start a blog. Now I’m not gonna lie, I like that people say it, hell, I was a theatre kid, I can’t pretend that attention and “applause” doesn’t thrill me. But the actually doing it scares the pants off of me, and anyone that knows me knows that I only wear pants, no dresses for this “pastor’s wife”. The thing is though that a little over a year ago a dream that I had as a kid was reawakened in me.

When I was young there were three things I wanted to be when I grew up 1) a rock star that toured with either Madonna or the Monkees, 2) a teacher so that I could drink Coke in front of the kids like my teachers did to me, or 3) an author. I wanted to be one of the greats like Judy Blume, Marc Brown, or Beverley Cleary. But somehow along the way, somewhere among the dyslexia and the grades, the standardized tests and feelings of inadequacy, somewhere among the boyfriends and girl drama of adolescents and childhood I pushed my dream of being a writer into the deep dark crevices of my mind.

And so, I just lived my life. I grew up, made it through college, caught myself a man, got married, made some kids, had some jobs; life happened.  Sure there has been some messy, squishy stuff in between, and I already hate myself for using the phrase “caught myself a man” because the reader cannot read the sarcastic tone I am typing with (nothing against you Babe). But basically, to boil it down, in the deep, dark, childhood memory holding part of my brain there has always been this folder sticking out a little poking at me reminding to pick it up again one day and write damn it!

So now I have these kids that say and do funny things and on occasion I make observations about the world around me because here I am a liberal feminist stay at home wife of an almost pastor surrounded by 3 little boys and I wouldn’t change a thing. But if I could (change a thing or 2), I would like an outlet to voice my thoughts on certain matters, like say, the constant, never-ending presence of pee on the toilet seat, what the hell is that all about? But that is a topic for another day. So instead of keeping track of my misadventures on Facebook I am going to give blogging a try.  What the hell, let’s see what happens. Did I mention I like to cuss?